Why I Am No Longer AP (eye roll)

AP parents believe that crying unattended leads to higher cortisol levels, anxiety, distrust, weight loss and general failure to thrive. When a small child or baby cries you should answer that cry.  They believe that nursing and co-sleeping should continue into toddler hood.  That most importantly we should treat our children with love and respect.

I believe in this wholeheartedly.  When my daughter screamed incessantly as an infant in pain from her food protein allergies and reflux I cuddled her close and did my best to let her know that she wasn't alone in teh cruel world.  When she was p for the 11th time that night to nurse I may have grumbled a bit but I did it because it's what she needed.  When she was toddler and cried and screamed when she couldn't have a cookie I held her and let her know that it's ok to be mad.

However, at almost 5 years old I draw the line at her kicking, hitting, screaming, and generally disrespecting me is when I draw the line.  Some days I feel as if we could be on the television show Supernanny. 

I do not think that breastfeeding on demand, cuddling her, and co-sleeping with her led to this behavior.  I believe that the lack of discipline led to this behavior.  For some reason AP parents don't like that word.  Like everyone who disciplines their child is beating them, breaking them, and doing something to cause their child to act out.  (This is where I insert eye roll.) 

Life isn't all roses and glitter.  There are consequences for our actions - both good and bad.  When a child is told that they cannot have a cookie and they scream bloody murder they can take their loud butt to their room.  When they hit you they can very well sit in time out, one minute per age. 

When children are allowed to hit a parent and there are no consequences what are you teaching them?  That it's ok to hit.  It's ok to throw a fit every time they do not get their way.

Parenting takes repitition, I do not deny that.  You start with small kids by redirecting them away from climbing on the shelf, telling them it's not safe, you repeat this over and over again.  But when child is almost 5 years old she knows she does not belong on the shelf.  It's ok to discipline her.  By disciplining her it teaches her that she is not allowed to get into dangerous situations, she needs to respect her mother so she will be kept safe, and like all things in life: there are rules and you have to follow them.

Natural consequences are cleaning up after your mess, nobody wants to play with someone who doesn't share, that children who scream can go to their rooms to do it, etc.

A few years ago this was still AP.  These days it's corporal punishment and AP'ers are letting their children do whatever they wish.  If you send your child to their room or sit them in time out then you are sentencing them to a long prison sentence.  (Insert another eye roll.)

So I suppose I am no longer AP.  I will continue to be a natural parent though.  I will continue to follow my instincts and respect my child.  In time I hope that our new discipline techniques will teach her that she can't do whatever she wants in life.  My desire is for her to be a contributing member of society who can function on their own and knows that there are laws and regulations that everyone must follow. 

Anjali Weaned

One of the most beautiful sights I've ever witnessed happened when I was a teenager:  a young mother cuddling her red newborn to the breast, her hair tumbling down around them, and her shoulder exposing her pale skin.  It plays in my mind in a fuzzy glow.  I always assumed I would breastfeed my children, probably because my mother breastfed me and my sister, but this just sealed the deal.  It's amazing that 9 years later I still remember it so clearly.  

There is no greater high than holding your child's tiny warm body close to your heart and know that your body is providing the ultimate nutrition.  Their big eyes looking up at you with complete trust.  Their heart beat is yours.

My husband is the one who made it happen.  He let the hospital know of my wishes.  He massaged and pumped my breasts for 3 days while I was in a coma.  He bought me pump after pump and told me how lucky our baby was I was attempting to nurse.  Some nights he would lay Anjali next to me and prop my breast in her mouth himself!

My beautiful girl is now 4 years and 7 months.  We have endured a coma, what I thought was low supply, thrush (many times), tongue tie, severe reflux, and severe allergies to soy and milk proteins.  Along the way we have both cried and screamed out of frustration but, most importantly, we learned to love each other.

I'm sad that this point in our lives ended but feel proud of all I have provided my daughter with.  I hope that when she is grown she will fondly remember nursing and pass that love to her children.

Heart Broken: My Missed Miscarriage

I did not feel like this pregnancy was going as it should.  Just a nagging feeling that something was wrong.  I wasn't as excited and wasn't becoming attached.  The only thing I felt strongly about was my baby was a boy.  I had an ultrasound on Monday and my suspicions were correct.  At 8 weeks pregnant the baby was measuring at 5 weeks gestation without a detectable heart beat.  My OB tried to be positive and reassure me that everything would be OK next Monday.  I knew in my heart though that my baby had passed.  I passed Monday night kind of numb. 

Tuesday night I cried harder than I have cried in a long time.  The kind of crying fit that leaves your eyes swollen shut and your head hurting.  Wednesday after a long talk with a classmate of mine I was determined to be positive.  I spent the night dreaming of my baby.  He told me his name and that he was OK, he was safe and happy.  I tried to take it to mean he was just measuring small for gestational age but he was here and growing. 

Thursday I woke up feeling at peace and went to school.  An hour later my back started to hurt like I had been bending wrong or pulled the muscle.  My heart sank. At around 9:30 I had a feeling to go the bathroom where I discovered I was bleeding bright red blood.  I went to one of my instructor's office and started crying, wondering what I should do.  I knew they couldn't stop it and she told me to go in and be seen by my doctor or go to the ER. 

I was able to be fitted in and was seen right away.  Once at the OB's office he did a vaginal ultrasound and I could see there was no change.  No baby, no heart beat.  I started crying before he said anything.  My OB was very sweet (see I don't hate all OBs), reassuring me that it wasn't anything I did and gave me my options: let it occur naturally or schedule a D&C.  I chose a D&C because I just wanted to put it behind me so I could heal, physically and emotionally.  He was able to get me in at 1pm at the surgery center. 

At 12:30 my best friend drove me to the surgery center and I checked in.  The nurse was a trip.  She fed me bullshit about how at least I can get pregnant and I could try again.  It made me angry and sad.  I wanted to scream at her!  She didn't know what I went through to get pregnant with this one baby.  She also tied my tourniquet and left the room and had the nerve to get mad when I popped it.  She was vicious with the needle and collapsed my vein. 

Finally it was time to walk to the OR.  I was nervous and the anesthesiologist administered some "funny gas" while he waited for the meds to kick in.  I remember starting to cry as I laid there. 

I don't know why they can't gradually ease you into consciousness.  Instead it's like a mack truck hits you.  The pain is initially excruciating since you do not have the capabilities to control it.  My best friend said she knew I was awake when she heard a wild animal wailing. 

I'm at home now, just trying to get through the day.  I had to tell my daughter that our baby was too small to live with us and had to go live with Jesus instead.  Maybe one day we will get our baby.

I'll always miss my sweet baby boy Arun who I never got to meet.  He'll always be there in my heart.

My Big Fat Positive!

I found out last month that I am pregnant with baby number 2!  I had convinced myself that I was just going to have an only child and made all these plans and was really starting to embrace it.  But I guess God had other plans.

I first realized I was pregnant on December 17 but I was only 5 days post ovulation.  I took a test and it was negative.  I was a bit disappointed but I had a two pack.  Two days later on the 19th I retook and it was negative again.  That night I started cramping pretty bad.  I hadn't had a period in almost 5 years so I forgot how painful cramping can be.  Two days later I still hadn't started my period.  I posted on FaceBook how I was trying not to think about it, trying not to get my hopes up.  I couldn't resist and took another test.  The first had a second line but it was more / instead of straight up and down.  I threw it out and retested. 

Can you see it? 

My friends were convinced it was an evaporation line but after reading up on it I knew it was a positive since it was pink.  If it's pink it's positive. Sometimes you can get a positive and start your period.  This is not a evaporation line, it's a chemical pregnancy.

This test result was that same day but it's lighter.  Either because it was later in the day or because these more expensive pregnancy tests actually need a higher level of hormone to turn positive.  More arguing ensued.

I went to the doctor for a blood test because I was tired of paying money to pee on things.  I had blood drawn done to know without a doubt.  I called a few hours later to get my result and was informed hey wouldn't have it until December 23, the next day.  I couldn't wait that long and bought more tests.

  POSITIVE!!!!!

Now I get to have my unassisted birth after cesarean (UBAC)!  I get to buy cute little cloth diapers, knitted booties and bear ear hats, smell baby sweetness and gave into wide eyed wonder.