Heart Broken: My Missed Miscarriage

I did not feel like this pregnancy was going as it should.  Just a nagging feeling that something was wrong.  I wasn't as excited and wasn't becoming attached.  The only thing I felt strongly about was my baby was a boy.  I had an ultrasound on Monday and my suspicions were correct.  At 8 weeks pregnant the baby was measuring at 5 weeks gestation without a detectable heart beat.  My OB tried to be positive and reassure me that everything would be OK next Monday.  I knew in my heart though that my baby had passed.  I passed Monday night kind of numb. 

Tuesday night I cried harder than I have cried in a long time.  The kind of crying fit that leaves your eyes swollen shut and your head hurting.  Wednesday after a long talk with a classmate of mine I was determined to be positive.  I spent the night dreaming of my baby.  He told me his name and that he was OK, he was safe and happy.  I tried to take it to mean he was just measuring small for gestational age but he was here and growing. 

Thursday I woke up feeling at peace and went to school.  An hour later my back started to hurt like I had been bending wrong or pulled the muscle.  My heart sank. At around 9:30 I had a feeling to go the bathroom where I discovered I was bleeding bright red blood.  I went to one of my instructor's office and started crying, wondering what I should do.  I knew they couldn't stop it and she told me to go in and be seen by my doctor or go to the ER. 

I was able to be fitted in and was seen right away.  Once at the OB's office he did a vaginal ultrasound and I could see there was no change.  No baby, no heart beat.  I started crying before he said anything.  My OB was very sweet (see I don't hate all OBs), reassuring me that it wasn't anything I did and gave me my options: let it occur naturally or schedule a D&C.  I chose a D&C because I just wanted to put it behind me so I could heal, physically and emotionally.  He was able to get me in at 1pm at the surgery center. 

At 12:30 my best friend drove me to the surgery center and I checked in.  The nurse was a trip.  She fed me bullshit about how at least I can get pregnant and I could try again.  It made me angry and sad.  I wanted to scream at her!  She didn't know what I went through to get pregnant with this one baby.  She also tied my tourniquet and left the room and had the nerve to get mad when I popped it.  She was vicious with the needle and collapsed my vein. 

Finally it was time to walk to the OR.  I was nervous and the anesthesiologist administered some "funny gas" while he waited for the meds to kick in.  I remember starting to cry as I laid there. 

I don't know why they can't gradually ease you into consciousness.  Instead it's like a mack truck hits you.  The pain is initially excruciating since you do not have the capabilities to control it.  My best friend said she knew I was awake when she heard a wild animal wailing. 

I'm at home now, just trying to get through the day.  I had to tell my daughter that our baby was too small to live with us and had to go live with Jesus instead.  Maybe one day we will get our baby.

I'll always miss my sweet baby boy Arun who I never got to meet.  He'll always be there in my heart.