Heart Broken: My Missed Miscarriage

I did not feel like this pregnancy was going as it should.  Just a nagging feeling that something was wrong.  I wasn't as excited and wasn't becoming attached.  The only thing I felt strongly about was my baby was a boy.  I had an ultrasound on Monday and my suspicions were correct.  At 8 weeks pregnant the baby was measuring at 5 weeks gestation without a detectable heart beat.  My OB tried to be positive and reassure me that everything would be OK next Monday.  I knew in my heart though that my baby had passed.  I passed Monday night kind of numb. 

Tuesday night I cried harder than I have cried in a long time.  The kind of crying fit that leaves your eyes swollen shut and your head hurting.  Wednesday after a long talk with a classmate of mine I was determined to be positive.  I spent the night dreaming of my baby.  He told me his name and that he was OK, he was safe and happy.  I tried to take it to mean he was just measuring small for gestational age but he was here and growing. 

Thursday I woke up feeling at peace and went to school.  An hour later my back started to hurt like I had been bending wrong or pulled the muscle.  My heart sank. At around 9:30 I had a feeling to go the bathroom where I discovered I was bleeding bright red blood.  I went to one of my instructor's office and started crying, wondering what I should do.  I knew they couldn't stop it and she told me to go in and be seen by my doctor or go to the ER. 

I was able to be fitted in and was seen right away.  Once at the OB's office he did a vaginal ultrasound and I could see there was no change.  No baby, no heart beat.  I started crying before he said anything.  My OB was very sweet (see I don't hate all OBs), reassuring me that it wasn't anything I did and gave me my options: let it occur naturally or schedule a D&C.  I chose a D&C because I just wanted to put it behind me so I could heal, physically and emotionally.  He was able to get me in at 1pm at the surgery center. 

At 12:30 my best friend drove me to the surgery center and I checked in.  The nurse was a trip.  She fed me bullshit about how at least I can get pregnant and I could try again.  It made me angry and sad.  I wanted to scream at her!  She didn't know what I went through to get pregnant with this one baby.  She also tied my tourniquet and left the room and had the nerve to get mad when I popped it.  She was vicious with the needle and collapsed my vein. 

Finally it was time to walk to the OR.  I was nervous and the anesthesiologist administered some "funny gas" while he waited for the meds to kick in.  I remember starting to cry as I laid there. 

I don't know why they can't gradually ease you into consciousness.  Instead it's like a mack truck hits you.  The pain is initially excruciating since you do not have the capabilities to control it.  My best friend said she knew I was awake when she heard a wild animal wailing. 

I'm at home now, just trying to get through the day.  I had to tell my daughter that our baby was too small to live with us and had to go live with Jesus instead.  Maybe one day we will get our baby.

I'll always miss my sweet baby boy Arun who I never got to meet.  He'll always be there in my heart.

My Big Fat Positive!

I found out last month that I am pregnant with baby number 2!  I had convinced myself that I was just going to have an only child and made all these plans and was really starting to embrace it.  But I guess God had other plans.

I first realized I was pregnant on December 17 but I was only 5 days post ovulation.  I took a test and it was negative.  I was a bit disappointed but I had a two pack.  Two days later on the 19th I retook and it was negative again.  That night I started cramping pretty bad.  I hadn't had a period in almost 5 years so I forgot how painful cramping can be.  Two days later I still hadn't started my period.  I posted on FaceBook how I was trying not to think about it, trying not to get my hopes up.  I couldn't resist and took another test.  The first had a second line but it was more / instead of straight up and down.  I threw it out and retested. 

Can you see it? 

My friends were convinced it was an evaporation line but after reading up on it I knew it was a positive since it was pink.  If it's pink it's positive. Sometimes you can get a positive and start your period.  This is not a evaporation line, it's a chemical pregnancy.

This test result was that same day but it's lighter.  Either because it was later in the day or because these more expensive pregnancy tests actually need a higher level of hormone to turn positive.  More arguing ensued.

I went to the doctor for a blood test because I was tired of paying money to pee on things.  I had blood drawn done to know without a doubt.  I called a few hours later to get my result and was informed hey wouldn't have it until December 23, the next day.  I couldn't wait that long and bought more tests.

  POSITIVE!!!!!

Now I get to have my unassisted birth after cesarean (UBAC)!  I get to buy cute little cloth diapers, knitted booties and bear ear hats, smell baby sweetness and gave into wide eyed wonder.